There Are Three Rules You Have To Follow

*brushes cobwebs off of blog*

Last time I saw my little sister, I made her watch Gremlins for the first time. After insisting that Gizmo doesn't look like a Furby, Furbies (Furbys? Furbi?) look like Gizmo, we enjoyed it together. I fondly remember watching Gremlins on either USA or TNT as a young lad, confident that my mother wouldn't have approved; it certainly enhanced the experience. Gremlins is one of my favorite movies from the period.

And, of course, there have been rumors the past few years of a Gremlins 3-D to begin production. Whether or not these rumors are true doesn't necessarily matter for the purposes of this little intellectual exercise. If some inspired studio wants to create a new Gremlins movie, there are three oft-overlooked factors they should keep in mind.

1. The Peltzers are important to the spirit of the films.
Billy Peltzer, let's be honest, is kind of a loser. He's a stand-up guy, but lets himself get pushed around a lot in both films. Aside from wooing Kate, just about every good thing that happens to Billy is a product of chance. But when shit gets real and little green demons are attacking his home, Billy steps up and does whatever it takes to take them down, usually in an explosive and gooey fashion. Billy is a great everyman character as the films took a turn for the fantastic, and very easy for audiences, particularly kids, to identify with and root for.

The rest of the Peltzer clan, although mostly ignored in Gremlins 2, also added to the film. Billy's dad was always entertaining, and while his mom didn't have much in the way of personality, she slaughtered three gremlins with household objects. Audiences love it when unassuming characters kick ass. (In a showing of Spider-Man 2 I attended, Aunt May clobbering Doc Ock with her umbrella elicited a "whooo!" from someone in the audience.)

And the great thing about keeping the Peltzers in the series is that it allows one to take advantage of the gap between the films. Think about it: Billy and Kate would have a family of their own by now; if they had a son or daughter a year or so after Gremlins 2 in 1990, that child would be around the age Billy was in the original film. The potential for cross-generational Gremlin slaughter is endless!

2. Remember: Kids love the gremlins.

This may be obvious, but I think it bears mentioning, especially considering that the gremlins compete for audience's affects with Gizmo, possible one of the cutest things in history. (You know, when he's not lighting people who were mean to him on fire.) But kids love the gremlins. I did, and so did you; don't lie. They're fun to watch, and particularly in Gremlins 2, you get the feeling that some of them could have changed their spots and become plain comic relief, as opposed to villainous comic relief. (I am so, so glad they cut the scenes of Daffy and Lenny melting from Gremlins 2, because that would have seriously upset me as a kid.)

Sure, you've got to have your sadistic bastard villain gremlins like Stripe and Mohawk and (arguably) the Brain, but you also need some harmless mischief-making gremlins to balance on that fine line between comedy and horror.

3. Gremlins are magical; ignore all of that space alien crap from the novels.

Because seriously, that crap made no sense.